utilize your time

The plane had three passengers- a boy scout, a bishop and the Brain of Britain- whom the pilot warned of an impending crash.
"Unfortunately," he said, "we have only three parachutes. I must take one, so that I can report the accident."
"And I must have one," said Brain of Britain, "because I have a great contribution to make for mankind." He jumped out with the pilot.
The bishop turned to the scout. "My son," he said, "I've had a long life. Yours lies ahead. Take the last parachute-and good luck."
"Don't worry, Your Grace," said the scout "We have got two parachutes. The Brain of Britain has taken my haversack."

Genealogist to meek-looking fellow: "Good news, We have traced your family tree. That will be Rs 5,000, your majesty."

Patient to doctor: "The way health costs are going. I don't know how much longer I can afford to be a hypochondriac."

Astronomer to colleague: "You couldn't ask for a better job-just standing around, looking at heavenly bodies."

The botany professor gave his new junior colleague just one piece of advice: "On field trips, my boy, always walk well in front of your students, so that you can trample on any specimens you don't recognize."

Lawyer reading will: "To cut a long story short, none of you will have to worry about inheritance taxes."

One of my professors and his wife, both in their sixties, found it very difficult to make small talk with the students they invited to dinner, and usually resorted to comments on the weather. After a lengthy silence one evening, the professor remarked to the student next to him, "A little sun today."
Back came the prompt response, "Congratulations to you both, sir."

An expert is a guy who helps you go wrong with confidence.

First lawyer: "As soon as I realized it was a crooked business. I got out of it."
Second lawyer: "How much?"

A lawyer was horrified to note that his client had sent a case of whisky to the Judge a day before the judgment was to be delivered.
"You are sure to lose your case," said the lawyer.
"This Judge is above corruption."
"No I will win," he said. "I sent it in my opponent's name and it was a cheap a stuff as could possibly be found in the whole market."

Doctor: "You will have to give up smoking?"
Patient: "Why? Is smoking too harmful?"
Doctor: "No but you might set fire to my couch."

"Has your husband taken the medicine I prescribed? A tablet before each meal and a small whisky after?"
"May be he's a few tablets behind, but he's months ahead on the whisky."

Patient: "Doctor, what I need I something to stir me up-something to put me in fighting trim. Did you put anything like that in this prescription?"
Doctor: "No, you will find that in the bill"

Patient: "Is the doctor in?"
Nurse: "No, sir"
Patient: "Have you any idea when he'll be back?"
Nurse: "No sir. He went out on an eternity case"