Thursday, August 2, 2007
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Gorila Remover
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
Talking Centipede
A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "really?" Says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is £50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.
On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.
An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"
On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.
An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"
Monday, April 23, 2007
bill's word
they’re not very good but i tried... *if you think that a homoerectus is a gay man with a hard on--you might be a redneck *if you have ever smoked catnip, pasley or italian seasoning to get high--you might be a redneck *if you have ever went hunting in your back yard--you might be a redneck *if you’ve ever went x-mas shopping for your sister, your mother and your aunt and you returned with one gift--you might be a redneck *if you’ve ever mowed your lawn and found a car--you might be a redneck *if you actually took the time to red these--you might be a redneck *if you’ve ever been accused of lying out of your tooth--you might be a redneck *if you’ve actually counted how many of these that you’ve ever done--you might be a redneck *if you’ve ever scraped a deer off of the road for dinner--you might be a redneck *if you’ve ever been caught spitting scoal or drinking a beer during a eulogy--you might be a redneck *if you’ve ever used an old cheap balloon from the dollar store as a condom--you might be a redneck *if you’re still counting how many of these you’ve ever done--you might be a redneck *if you’ve ever got hit by a parked vehicle--you might be a redneck *if you’ve ever tried to escape the police by speeding away on your ride-a-mower--you might be a redneck *if you’ve ever been in a wild animal in broad daylight over a piece of meat--you might be a redneck if you’ve ever traced your family history back and it was either a stem that stood staright up and down or it was a vine that overlapped every which way--you might be a redneck *if you think that a tunic is a musical instrument--you might be a redneck *if you watch the blue collar comedy tour religiously--you are a redneck
meet the family
One day a husband and wife were driving along a long stretch of road after not saying a word to each other because they were fighting they came across a barnyard full of pigs,cows and dogs the husband grins smugly at his wife and says "family of yours" they wife glares back and replys "yes inlaws!"
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