Jokes

The only one who shows a sincere appreciation of your efforts to improve your home is the tax assessor.

The miser was dying. His priest was at the bedside "Ah" the dying man cried feebly. "If one I could take my gold with me."
"No use" the clergyman said, shaking his head, "It would melt."

A rich old aunt was paying her nephew's college expenses and her visitor asked her if it was expensive. "Well," said the aunt, "some of the languages run petty high. My cheque this month covered Rs.50 for chemistry, Rs.100 for Latin and Rs.500 for Scotch."

Every "estimate" should be compelled by law to include the footnote estimating how much more than the estimate the final bill will be.

"You don't seem to realize on which side your bread is buttered
"What does it matter? I eat both sides."

The town's wealthiest man had just been rescued from a lake where he had been fishing. His rescuer was the leading doctor of the town. After the long hard work of resuscitation, the miser came to and pulled out a rupee note which he handed to the doctor, saying: "I'm much obliged to you for saving my life. Here's a rupee- all I've got on me."
The doctor handed it back, saying: "Oh don't bother."
"You must take it, you must" said the miser. "It would've been lost anyway if you hadn’t saved me."

Wife poring over figures to husband: "Well, I've worked out a budget-now you'll have to work out a raise."

Encountering a sad-looking man standing on a street corner, the sweet old lady sympathetically walked over to him, Pressed a five-rupee note into his palm and said-"Chin up". Next day, as she passed the same corner, the man walked over to her and gave a hundred-rupee note. "Thanks for the tip lady," he said. He paid twenty to one.

Economy-minded Maryland state Senator Ed Conroy was fittingly honoured
on his 40th birthday with a congratulatory resolution passed by fellow legislators. "In view of his devoted interest in keeping down costs," it concluded, "be it further resolved that no copies of this resolution be sent to anyone."

A beggar who said he was hungry received one rupee from a sympathetic passer-by. "Now spend this for food," the donor emphasized. "Don't throw it away on drink."
The beggar took the money and grumbled, "Do I tell you how to spend your money?"

"A hundred dollars for a hat?" he hollered to his wife, "Don’t you know it’s a sin to spend a hundred dollars on a hat?"
"Why should you care? The sin is on my head."

Having received a return from a bachelor executive who claimed a dependent son, an income-tax inspector sent the form back with a note saying "This must be a stenographic error,"
Back came the retort, with the added notation, "You’re telling me!"

"How did you make a fortune?"
"I became the partner of a rich man. He had the money and I had the experiences."
"How did that help?"
"Now he has the experience and I the money."

I was asked by the company commander to explain why a repot was in error. "Sir," I said, "you have to understand that I have four idiots working for me."
He looked up from his desk and said, "Your are lucky, I have the fiveidiots working for me."

"Have you forgotten that you owe me five dollars?"
"No not yet. Give me time, and I will."

The doorbell rang, and the housewife answered it o find two beggars outside. "So you're begging in twos now?" she exclaimed.
"No, only today," one of them replied, "I'm showing my replacement the ropes before going on a holiday."

The natural law of money: Anything left over will be needed tomorrow to pay an unexpected bill.

When my sister asked for spaghetti at a store in New Delhi, the assistant shook his head and said, "No, we don't stock that brand but we have Brooke Bond, Mudis and Lipton's tea.

It was really the most unlucky day for the new extra girl. She went into a bank to cash a ten-rupee cheque and the only one who could identify her was a girl whom she owed nine rupee.

Hollywood's popular actor, Humphrey Bogart says: "It's all right for a husband to be a bread-winner but too many women expect him to be a bakery.

Customer:" How much for this dog?"
Dog dealer: " Seventy five rupees."
Customer: "Isn't that too much?"
Dog dealer: "Isn't the dog too wonderful?"
Customer: "Yes, the dog may be too wonderful but is he faithful also.'
Dog dealer: "Faithful sir! Why, I've sold him seven times and he has always been back within 12 hours.