Jam up

A nice old gentleman of 75 got a perfect score on a medical check-up and the physician asked him how he kept in such good condition.
"Well, Sir" he replied, "When I was married some 50 years ago, my wife and I agreed that if I lost my temper she would remain silent and if she lost her temper I would leave the house. I attribute my good health to the well-known advantages of an outdoor life

A negress walked into an insurance office and inquired. "Do you have any of that fire assurance here?"
"We do," said a clerk. "What do you want insured?"
"My husband,"
"Then you don't want a fire insurance", said the clerk. "What you want is a life insurance policy."
"No I don't" she exclaimed. "I want fire assurance. My husband has been fired four times in the last two weeks.

The woman rushed into the doctor's office with a tiny boy tucked under her arm like a football.
"Doctor" she screamed. "My boy swallowed a clock!"
"Does it bother him much?" asked the doctor.
"It doesn't bother him at all!" she answered, "But every time I go to wind it, he bites my finger."

"I read your long article on insomnia Dr Harry."
"Interesting?"
"It sent me to sleep."

When Thoreau, the naturalist, close to death he was visited by a very pious aunt who asked:
"Henry, have you made you peace with god?"
"I didn't know," was Thoreau's answer, "that we had ever quarreled.

"My husband gets up in time for health exercises o the radio every morning."
"I didn't know he took' em."
"He doesn't, but the girl in the apartment across the court does.'

A little girl said there was a new baby at her house.
"Has the baby come to say?" she was aked.
"I think so," she said. "He's taken all his things off."
It is very important to know how to tell whether the water is at a proper temperature. Place your foot in the water. If it turns orange, the water is too hot. If it turns blue, the water is too cold. If the water turns black, your foot is dirty.

First space cadet: "Meet you o Jupiter tonight."
Second cadet: "But how do I get there?"
First space Cadet: "When you get to the moon turn left. You can't miss it."


"When I stand on my head, the blood rushes to it. Why doesn't it rush to my feet now?"
Because your feet aren't empty."

On a visit to my grandfather. I found him laying newspaper between the rows of his tomatoes, when I asked the purpose of this, he explained, "They say that if you talk to your plants they'll grow better. Well I don't have time to cha tall day, so I thought this way hey can read all they want to."

Having served on various committees I have drawn up a list of rules: never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. Don’t say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise. Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating others. When in doubt, suggest that a sub committee be appointed. Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular- it’s what everyone is waiting for.

On Monday morning, following a 20 centimeter snowfall five commuters were waiting for the station bus. As the sixth neighbour walked up, one said, "George, I guess your back must be bent fro shoveling all that snow."
"no" replied George huskily. "I have three young sons at my house. My voice is gone- but my back is okay."

The teacher was telling his students that thunder was nothing to be afraid of; it was only the noise the angels made when they were making their beds.
Next morning there was a storm followed by thunder. One of the students who came late remarked to his teacher: "I didn’t mind angles making their beds, but it made me nervous when they couldn't decide whether to turn their lights on or off."

"You'll be pleased to hear that the operation you ha for deafness has been a complete success."
"I beg you pardon?"

When Charles Darwin was visiting the country house of a friend, the two boys of the family thought they would play a joke on the scientist. So, they caught a butterfly, a grasshopper, a beetle and a centipede and out of these creatures, they made a strange composite insect. They took the centipede's body, the butterfly's wings, the grasshopper's legs and the beetle's head and they glued them together carefully.
"We caught this bug in a field," they said. "Can you tell us what kind of a bug it is , Mr. Darwin?''
Darwin looked at the bug and then looked at the boys. He smiled slightly. "Did you notice whether it hummed when you caught it, boys?" he asked.
"Yes," they answered, nudging one another.
"Then," said Darwin, "it's a humbug."