start enjoying

Servant: "The doctor is here, Professor."
Absent-minded pro.: "Dear me! I am in bed. I can't see him. Er…tell him I
am ill.

Lung specialist: "A man who sing at the top of his vice for an hour a day won't be troubled by chest complaints in his old age."
Pre med: "He probably won't even be troubled by old age."

A professor of physiology was describing the organs of sense, etc and finally asked for a summary of his lecture. The star of the class arose and said: "Well, professor as I see it, I see with my eye organ, I hear with my ear organ and I smell with my nose organ, I eat with my mouth organ, and I feel with my hand organ."

Chemistry professor: "Come, come give me the answer, please"
Student: "I can’t say it but it's on the tip of my tongue."
Another student: "Gracious Don’t swallow it- it's arsenic.]

A priest visiting a man about to be hanged, asked: "Do you believe in the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost?"
Man: "Here I am about to die and you ask me riddles."

"Do you know his business had run down?"
"I suppose so. I heard he was going to wind it up."

Once when Princes Anne was watching a horse show at Hick stead in Sussex, England, a fellow spectator, unaware of her identity, remarked, "has nay one ever told you that you look like Princess Anne?"
The princess grinned and replied, "I think I am better looking than she is."

Raymond Lowey, the famous designer, once observed: "There are two perfect designs that cannot be improved upon- one is an egg, and the other is a woman."

A bulletin board outside a church announced Sunday service-"Do you know what hell is?" Underneath was printed in small letters-"Come and hear our organist."

A young politician had chosen a very tough spot in the East End for his first meeting. His appearance on the platform was greeted with catcall and hisses. He held up his hand and at last got some sort of silence.
"Ladies and gentle men" he began.
From all over the hall the catcalls and jeers started anew. The politician stepped back in alarm. "I an sorry," he shouted above the din. "I didn’t mean to insult anyone."

"I have a very distasteful job," complained the genealogist. "I have been employed by Mrs. Richey to look up her family tree, and it will be my unpleasant duty to inform her that one of her ancestors was electrocuted at Sing Sing."
"Why worry about that?" Just tell her the man occupied the chair of applied electricity at one of our public institutions."

"Your boy-friend stayed very late last night, didn’t he?"
"Yes, Mother, did the noise disturb you?"
"No, but the period of the silence did."

"How's the razor, sir? Does it hurt?" asked the hairdresser.
"I can’t answer for the razor," came reply. "But my face sure does."

Rumor: News that travels at the speed of sound.

A speaker, who had been asked to make his after dinner remark as short as possible, rose and said: "I have been asked to propose the toast to Mr. Jones, and I have been told that the less said the better.

A fellow boasted about his foolproof reducing diet: "I never eat when my wife is taking."

NOTHING'S opened by mistake more often than mouth.

Two travelers stood at a bar. One was doing most of the talking. "Yes" said the talkative one. "I came home one morning after midnight and, as I opened the door, I saw a stranger kissing my wife! So I went downstairs again. 1:30
"Just a minute!" interrupted the other man, "Why did you keep galloping downstairs? Why didn’t you walk right into the room?"
The talkative man frowned. "What" he cried, "And have my wife catch me coming home a that hour?"
Sir Lewis Morris was complaining to Oscar Wilde about the neglect of his poems by the press: "It's a conspiracy of silence against me. What do you suggest. I do, Oscar?"
"Join it" said Wilde without much hesitation.