Starting to laugh

"I've got a cushy number," said the sergeant, "for the laziest man here. Who's the laziest man?"
Nineteen hands shot up-twentieth man didn't move a muscle.
"Why haven’t put your hands up then?" demanded the sergeant.
"Too much trouble," said the soldier.

"I wouldn't say he doesn't trust his wife-but she the only lady in town who has a combination lock on her zipper.

"What must a man be that he shall be buried with military honours?"
"He must be a Captian."
"Then I lose the bet."
"What did you bet.?"
"I bet he must be dead?"

Man at airport: "If Rome wasn't built in a day why did we have to see it in a day?"

Overhead n a women's store fitting room: "They don't make LARGE as big as they used to."

A retired couple who have all their children and grandchildren living nearby were asked why they were constantly on the go. "You sure can't baby sit." the grandmother replied, "if they can't catch you at home."

Our adjutant was extremely sticky about giving leave to anybody. If a Jawan said, "Sir, my father is seriously ill," he would reply, "yes, yes, my father wa also seriously ill last year, but I didn't go on leave!" Or if somebody said he had to attend his sister's wedding, the adjutant would retort, "My sister also got married, but I didn't take leave for her wedding.
Hence, it surprised all of us when a havaldar had his leave sanctioned. Curious, we asked him how he had managed it. "I told the adjutant that my had eloped with my neighbour in the village," said the havaldar with a big wink, "and that my mother had asked me to return home at once."

Bob Hope to reporters at Heathrow Airport, after taking his first supersonic flight from Washington to London: "The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage."

Johannes Brahms once found himself cornered by some pertinacious ladies. After several futile attempts to get away, he lit a huge cigar, and soon the women enveloped in a blue haze, gave little coughs of annoyance. Eventually, one said reproachfully, "But, Mr Brahms, a person doesn't smoke in the presence of ladies."
Whereupon Brahms replied sweetly, "Ladies, where there are angels there must also be clouds."

The woman wanted a drinking trough for her poodle. The clerk asked if sh wanted one with the inscription FOR THE DOG.

After a stormy council meeting, one councilor was surprised to find himself being chaired through the street by a cheering throng. Eventually he said to his carriers, "All right lads this is my house."
"Don't be daft," came the reply, "We are taking you to the canal."

"Why do they call our language the mother tongue?" asked the son.
"Because father so seldom gets a chance to use it," replied father.

"When I die, I want to be cremated," said the man.
"That would be just like you", replied his wife, "to go away and leave ashes lying all over the floor."

First Divorcee: "How did you get your divorce?"
Second Divorcee: "It wasn't hard."
"Did you hear about the cinema owner who decided it was too expensive to install air conditioning, so he showed horror films during the summer months to make his audience's blood run cold.

Law: That which is nothing but common sense, that would not be a law if people had common sense, written in words that make no sense so that we have lawyers to argue nonsense before juries ho have to use common sense to decide which lawyer made the most sense.

A plumber was trying to placate a woman in her flooded kitchen. "Listen Ma'am," he said "crying only makes it worse."

The patient was grumbling about the fee, "Twenty rupees for pulling out a tooth" she exclaimed.
"And it's only a minute's work."
"Well, if you whish," the dentist said, "I’ll pull it out slowly."

A popular doctor in the town walked into a ladies club where some ladies were discussing what was the most beautiful thing in the world. When the query was put to the doctor, he answered: "Sleep." One of the ladies said: "I don't agree. I think a woman is the most beautiful things in the world."
The doctor said: "Oh yes, but next to a woman, sleep is the most beautiful things in the world."

Philosopher: "Man who is obliged to think even in his working hours."